How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2, Chapter 4 Summary & Analysis

Once, Carnegie attended a bridge party and told a woman there that he traveled a great deal. She asked him to tell her about all the places he visited before mentioning that she just returned from Africa. At this, Carnegie asked her to tell him about her trip, and she talked for 45 minutes without asking Carnegie another question. All she wanted was an interested listener.

At another party, Carnegie listened for hours to a botanist speak about his work. At the end of the evening, the man told him that he was an interesting conversationalist, despite the fact that Carnegie had barely spoken. But Carnegie listened and was genuinely interested—paying the kind of attention that pays the other person a compliment.

This seems self-evident, and yet people still have trouble listening—like department store clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate them, and drive them from the store. Henrietta Douglas once bought a coat at a store where she was a loyal customer for years before she noticed that it was ripped. Returning the coat the next day, the clerk dismissively told her that because she bought it at a sale, she couldn’t return it, and interrupted her when she tried to protest. On the way out, swearing never to return, Mrs. Douglas ran into the manager, who knew her from her years of patronage. The manager listened attentively and told her that their no-return policy didn’t apply to damaged goods, and they could repair the coat or refund it—a huge difference in treatment.

Even the most violent critic will soften in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener. For example, the New York Telephone Company was dealing with a vicious customer who cursed out customer service, until one staff member simply listened to him and sympathized with him for hours on end. By their fourth call, the man withdrew his complaints and paid his bills in full. In reality, all he wanted was a feeling of importance.

Julian F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woolen Company, once dealt with a loyal customer who owed a small sum of money. However, he believed that the company was mistaken about the charge and came to Detmer’s office to rage about the mistake. Detmer listened, thanked him for bringing the issue to Detmer’s attention, wiped the charge, and recommended another company to buy from if he didn’t want to continue buying from Detmer. Detmer sympathized with the man, and as a result, the man later placed a larger order than ever before. Later, the man discovered that he was actually mistaken about the  bill, so he apologized and paid the small sum. Subsequently, he remained Detmer’s friend and customer for 22 years and even gave his child the middle name Detmer.

Years ago, a poor Dutch boy came to America named Edward Bok. He only went to school for six years, but he gradually became a successful magazine editor. He did so by writing to famous people and asking for information about their childhoods. He corresponded with people like James A. Garfield, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Louisa May Alcott. Eventually he visited them at home, giving him confidence in interviewing and sparking his ambition—all because he was genuinely interested in them and wanted to listen.

During the darkest time in the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to a friend in Illinois asking him to come to Washington. After the friend arrived, Lincoln discussed the pros and cons of a proclamation freeing the slaves, talking for hours. He didn’t want advice—he just wanted a friendly, sympathetic listener.

The best way to turn people off is to talk only about yourself, interrupt others, and never listen for long. People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. Instead, be a good listener—that’s what makes a good conversationalist. To be interesting, be interested in others. Ask good questions that people will want to answer, because they are more interested in themselves than they are in you.