Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
Once, Carnegie attended a bridge party and told a woman there that he traveled a great deal. She asked him to tell her about all the places he visited before mentioning that she just returned from Africa. At this, Carnegie asked her to tell him about her trip, and she talked for 45 minutes without asking Carnegie another question. All she wanted was an interested listener.
As Carnegie begins to discuss how to be a good conversationalist, he again suggests that it’s helpful to make others feel important. In conversation, this often requires the humility to listen rather than focusing the conversation on oneself. This is because people (like this woman) generally just want a good listener, so they think kindly of those who listen more than they speak.
Themes
At another party, Carnegie listened for hours to a botanist speak about his work. At the end of the evening, the man told him that he was an interesting conversationalist, despite the fact that Carnegie had barely spoken. But Carnegie listened and was genuinely interested—paying the kind of attention that pays the other person a compliment.
Here, Carnegie emphasizes how this kind of humble listening is helpful in winning people over, because it makes people like the botanist feel important. This goes against the idea that people have to be interesting for others to like them; on the contrary, they simply have to be interested in others.
Themes
This seems self-evident, and yet people still have trouble listening—like department store clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them, irritate them, and drive them from the store. Henrietta Douglas once bought a coat at a store where she was a loyal customer for years before she noticed that it was ripped. Returning the coat the next day, the clerk dismissively told her that because she bought it at a sale, she couldn’t return it, and interrupted her when she tried to protest. On the way out, swearing never to return, Mrs. Douglas ran into the manager, who knew her from her years of patronage. The manager listened attentively and told her that their no-return policy didn’t apply to damaged goods, and they could repair the coat or refund it—a huge difference in treatment.
This story illustrates how not listening to others can make a person feel insignificant, as this store clerk made Henrietta feel. But when the manager listened and made Henrietta feel important, she was much more inclined to return to the store, thus demonstrating how this strategy can help in business. Moreover, this episode reinforces how important positivity is maintaining good relationships, because the store clerk’s negativity and unwillingness to listen nearly lost this department store their loyal customer.
Themes
Even the most violent critic will soften in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener. For example, the New York Telephone Company was dealing with a vicious customer who cursed out customer service, until one staff member simply listened to him and sympathized with him for hours on end. By their fourth call, the man withdrew his complaints and paid his bills in full. In reality, all he wanted was a feeling of importance.
Here, Carnegie explicitly discusses why attentive listening is so valuable: it makes a person feel important. Carnegie has already established that everyone desires importance, and so fulfilling this desire in others simply by paying attention to them is an important and easy way to influence others.
Themes
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Julian F. Detmer, founder of the Detmer Woolen Company, once dealt with a loyal customer who owed a small sum of money. However, he believed that the company was mistaken about the charge and came to Detmer’s office to rage about the mistake. Detmer listened, thanked him for bringing the issue to Detmer’s attention, wiped the charge, and recommended another company to buy from if he didn’t want to continue buying from Detmer. Detmer sympathized with the man, and as a result, the man later placed a larger order than ever before. Later, the man discovered that he was actually mistaken about the bill, so he apologized and paid the small sum. Subsequently, he remained Detmer’s friend and customer for 22 years and even gave his child the middle name Detmer.
This story reinforces two of Carnegie’s key ideas. It was crucial that Detmer acted both positively and selflessly in this meeting with his customer. Rather than take an argumentative approach, he showed that he actually cared about the customer’s needs and input—being willing to wipe the charge, thanking him for alerting him to the mistake, and offering to find him another company. Only in taking this selfless approach was Detmer able to keep the customer’s business—and the customer later admitted he was wrong and paid the charge anyway. This shows how those who act selflessly are more likely to get what they want.
Themes
Years ago, a poor Dutch boy came to America named Edward Bok. He only went to school for six years, but he gradually became a successful magazine editor. He did so by writing to famous people and asking for information about their childhoods. He corresponded with people like James A. Garfield, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Louisa May Alcott. Eventually he visited them at home, giving him confidence in interviewing and sparking his ambition—all because he was genuinely interested in them and wanted to listen.
Bok’s story is another example of how a person can benefit from making others feel important. Not only was he able to speak to these political and literary giants by making them feel important, but he was also able to build his interviewing skills, which then helped launch his career. This again underscores the idea that making others feel important can often benefit oneself.
Themes
During the darkest time in the Civil War, Lincoln wrote to a friend in Illinois asking him to come to Washington. After the friend arrived, Lincoln discussed the pros and cons of a proclamation freeing the slaves, talking for hours. He didn’t want advice—he just wanted a friendly, sympathetic listener.
Here, Carnegie illustrates that leaders aren’t the only people who can use the technique of making others feel important— it can also work among friends.
Themes
The best way to turn people off is to talk only about yourself, interrupt others, and never listen for long. People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves. Instead, be a good listener—that’s what makes a good conversationalist. To be interesting, be interested in others. Ask good questions that people will want to answer, because they are more interested in themselves than they are in you.
Carnegie contrasts his advice of prioritizing other people and making them feel important with what not to do: that is, to focus on yourself and make yourself seem more important and interesting. Again, he stresses that those who are humble and selfless are the most likely to succeed.
Themes
