Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
Even though other people may be totally wrong, don’t condemn them—try to find out why the other person thinks the way they do. Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic understanding of the other person’s viewpoint. Sam Douglas used to tell his wife that she spent too much time working on their lawn, which looked no better than when they bought it—comments that distressed her immensely. Mr. Douglas never realized that she might enjoy doing the work and that she might appreciate a compliment. So, one evening he offered to help her, making her immensely happy and showing him how much better the yard did look because of the work she did.
In this chapter, Carnegie returns to the idea that it’s important not to condemn or criticize people. Instead, one should take a selfless and empathetic approach, acknowledging that people have a reason for acting and thinking the way they do. In this example, Sam Douglas discovers that he didn’t fully appreciate all that his wife did to keep the yard looking good. But by trying to understand her perspective rather than criticize her, he saw how her efforts made a difference and was willing to change his mind.
Themes
Carnegie himself enjoys walking and riding in parks near his home and was distressed when young people would kill shrubs off by setting needless fires to cook food under the trees. Carnegie took it upon himself to warn the young boys that they could be jailed for starting a fire and requested that it be put out. They sullenly obeyed, but he recognizes that they probably restarted the fire when he left.
Carnegie illustrates that he doesn’t always follow his own rules: even he has the impulse to criticize others when they’re doing something he doesn’t like. But, in this example, he understands that his criticism likely only changed the boys’ behavior temporarily, suggesting that criticism is largely ineffective.
Themes
As years passed, Carnegie gained more tact. When he saw fires, he empathized with the boys’ desire to build the fires but said that some boys don’t always take care to put the fire out when they’re done. He then kindly requested that they make sure to put it out and to rake the leaves away from the fire, so that it didn’t get out of control. The boys agreed to cooperate with this understanding request, rather than an order.
In contrast with Carnegie’s previous encounters, when Carnegie was able to understand the situation from the boys’ point of view, he approached them in a friendly way rather than criticizing them. As a result, this approach made them much more likely to follow his request, again affirming the benefit of positivity.
Themes
Seeing things from another person’s perspective eases personal problems, too. Elizabeth Novak was six weeks late on her car payment but had no way of coming up with the money. She called the man handling her account and sincerely apologized for the inconvenience, admitting that she was a very troublesome client. Hearing her empathy for him, his tone changed immediately, and he let her pay the money gradually rather than having to do it all at once.
This passage (and Carnegie’s discussion of empathy as a whole) returns to the idea that it’s better to talk in terms of the other person’s interests rather than your own. Because Novak acknowledges that she is a troublesome client (seeing the situation from the man’s perspective rather than focusing on her own difficulty making the payment), he is much more willing to listen to her side of the story and make concessions for her.
Themes
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Carnegie explains that it’s important to think about situations from others’ point of view and consider why they would want to do whatever you’re asking. It’s important to have a clear knowledge of others’ motives—it may prove to be one of the stepping-stones of a person’s career.
Carnegie’s conclusion here uses almost exactly the same language as a passage in Part 1, Chapter 3—both of which emphasize that prioritizing others’ perspectives is a crucial aspect of finding success.
Themes
