How to Win Friends and Influence People

Close to Carnegie’s house, there is a stretch of park where he lets his dog off leash. Once, however, a policeman stopped Carnegie and told him angrily that it is against the law to let his dog off leash. Carnegie said he didn’t think the dog would do any harm, but he promised to obey. But gradually, Carnegie decided to take his chances and let the dog off leash—and another day, the policeman again approached him. But before the policeman could say anything, Carnegie admitted that what he did was wrong and that he has no excuses. Because of Carnegie’s admission, the policeman let him off easily and told him that if he went over the hill where the policeman couldn’t see him, it would be okay to let the dog run around.

When you know you are going to be rebuked, it is better to admit it yourself. People are more inclined to be generous and forgiving as a result. One artist, Ferdinand Warren, discusses how he often worked with a very critical art director in publishing who would find fault in every piece. One day after delivering a piece to this director, he got a call to visit the man’s office. When Warren arrived, he immediately apologized for his errors, profusely criticizing himself and saying that he would do the painting over. Hearing this, the man praised the work and assured Warren that he only wanted a minor change. They also had lunch afterward, building a more friendly relationship overall.

Admitting one’s mistakes takes courage, but it is satisfying. It clears the air of guilt and defensiveness and helps solve the problems. Once, Bruce Harvey incorrectly paid wages to an employee on sick leave. Knowing he had to tell his boss, he opened by apologizing. The manager blew up, blaming several other departments while Harvey repeated it was his fault. Finally acknowledging that it was Harvey’s fault, the boss asked him to straighten it out, and the boss respected that he was able to handle a tense situation and not make excuses.

Robert E. Lee blamed himself completely for the failure of Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg: General George Pickett and his devoted troops charged a weak point in the Union’s strongholds, but the Union army correctly guessed where they would try to attack and hid there. This charge ultimately killed more than half of Pickett’s men—a turning point that spelled doom for the Confederacy. Lee could have blamed others, but he accepted the blame himself, somberly meeting what remained of Pickett’s troops when they returned and apologizing—which few generals have ever done.  

Michael Cheung, who teaches Carnegie’s course in Hong Kong, explains how Chinese culture can present some particular problems in this area. One of his students was a middle-aged man who was estranged from his son, and in Chinese tradition, an older person does not usually take the first step to reconcile. However, he deeply longed to meet his grandchildren and said that it was more important to lose face by asking forgiveness than to stick to tradition. He went to his son’s house and as a result, he was able to rebuild his relationship with his son.

When we are right, it’s important to win people over gently and tactfully. And when we are wrong, we should admit our mistakes quickly and enthusiastically—it is a lot easier than defending ourselves. Carnegie cites a proverb: “by fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”