How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 4, Chapter 2 Summary & Analysis

Charles Schwab was passing through his steel mill when he noticed employees smoking under a sign that said “No Smoking.” Instead of yelling at them, he gave each one a cigar and said he would appreciate it if they smoked outside instead.

Many people begin criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but.” Using “but” makes people question the sincerity of the original phrase. This is easily rectified by changing “but” to “and.” In changing a child’s attitude toward studying, one might say, “We’re really proud of you for raising your grades, but if you had worked harder in algebra, you would have done better. Instead, it’s better to say, “We’re really proud of you for raising your grades, and if you continue your efforts, your algebra grade can match the others.” With the latter statement, there is no inference of failure, and instead the student will try to live up to expectations.

Calling attention to mistakes indirectly can be useful. Marge Jacob was dealing with construction workers building additions on her house, and the first few days they were there, she noticed the yard was strewn with lumber. So, she and her kids picked up the mess, and then she told the construction workers that she was pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night. From that day forward, they cleaned it up themselves.

One day, Lyman Abbott was invited to make a speech for his friend’s passing. When his wife read the speech—which was poor and very dry—she remarked that it would make an excellent article for the North American Review. She praised it while at the same time implying that it wouldn’t do well as a speech. He saw the point and spoke without using any notes at all. An effective way to correct mistakes is to call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.