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Part 3, Chapter 5
Themes
and Colors
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
When handling complaints, it is important to let the other person do most of the talking. Don’t interrupt, simply listen patiently and with an open mind. In one example, Mr. R. represented an upholstery manufacturer and was negotiating with a car company, vying to sell his products. He arrived at the meeting with a case of laryngitis, and as a result, the president of the car company made his case for him, pointing out the benefits of his products. Mr. R. was then awarded $1.6 million in sales, and he realized after that conference how much it pays to let other people do the talking.
This chapter focuses on some of the tactics that Carnegie introduced in Part 2, like the importance of being a good listener and having humility in a conversation. In this case, Carnegie illustrates how this not only helps win people over but can actually be an effective business strategy. This is because it makes the other person feel important, and that their voice and input is being heard.
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In another example, Barbara Wilson and her daughter Laurie’s relationship struggled when Laurie became a teenager and started to act out. Barbara scolded and threatened and punished Laurie, to no avail. One day, after Laurie disobeyed her, instead of yelling, she simply asked, “Why?” Laurie then told Barbara that she never listened and was always telling Laurie to do things. Barbara realized how much Laurie needed her guidance. Now, Barbara listens more, and their relationship has improved as a result.
Barbara’s example illustrates the importance of listening and prioritizing her daughter’s voice, and it returns to the idea that positivity is better than negativity. Part of Laurie’s problem is that she feels Barbara criticizes her all the time, instead of giving her guidance about how to grow up. Thus, this episode illustrates the importance of both positivity and humility in disagreements.
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Charles T. Cubelson was applying for a job, and before his interview, he found out every possible thing about the person who founded the business. Then Cubelson was able to ask the founder questions about how he started the business, his experience, and the challenges he faced. As a result, the founder immediately hired him.
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Richard Pryor discusses a similar experience: when he was interviewing someone who was hesitant about taking a job at Pryor’s firm, he let the interviewee talk through the negatives. But with each point he brought up, the interviewee quickly refuted himself, so that by the end of the interview he convinced himself to take the job.
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Even friends would much rather talk about their achievements than ours, which is why it’s best not to boast too much about our own triumphs. Henrietta G. discovered this when she would brag about the accounts she opened every day, and her colleagues started to resent her for it. After taking Carnegie’s course, she stopped talking about herself and started listening to her friends’ accomplishments, and they stopped resenting her as a result. The key, she realized, is to let others do most of the talking.
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