How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 4, Chapter 3 Summary & Analysis

Carnegie’s 19-year-old niece Josephine arrived in New York to be his secretary, and though she became very proficient, in the beginning she struggled. But one day, when Carnegie started to criticize her, he remembered his own mistakes when he was 19 years old, and he knew that she was doing much better than he did. So, he prefaced his criticism by acknowledging that he made mistakes just like she did, and that she would get better with experience. Criticizing yourself first makes it easier for other people to hear criticism.

E.G. Dillistone found the same thing—he was also having problems with his secretary, who made frequent spelling mistakes. He told her that he often has difficulty spelling and that he keeps a dictionary with him to double check his work when he’s not sure. After that conversation, her spelling errors were significantly reduced.

When Prince Bernard von Bülow was the Chancellor of Germany in 1909, while Wilhelm II sat on the throne, the Kaiser made a series of absurd, egotistical announcements in public—like that he was constructing a navy against Japan or that he saved England from war with Russia and France. The entire continent was outraged, and the Kaiser wanted Bülow to take the blame for advising him to make the remarks. Upset, Bülow explained he would never have advised those remarks. But realizing his mistake in criticizing the Kaiser, he complimented the man profusely, saying that he was much more knowledgeable regarding the military, science, and other subjects. But he also said that Bülow had some historical and political knowledge that could complement the Kaiser’s knowledge. As a result, the Kaiser looked on him much more favorably.

Admitting one’s own mistakes can help convince others to change their behavior, like Clarence Zerhusen, whose 15-year-old son Dave started to smoke. Clarence and his wife also smoked, and he acknowledged that nicotine got the best of him and that his cough was very irritating. He didn’t make threats or warn Dave about the dangers—he just pointed out his own faults. And so, Dave stopped smoking, and with Dave’s support, Clarence even stopped smoking himself.